6. Nathan Fillion: I don’t quite know where to begin. Nathan Fillion seems like a guy who’d go for a beer, or get your back in a fight, so he’s definitely got the camaraderie thing going. But he’s also somehow more mature than the other actors often mentioned as being sexy (I’m looking sadly at you, McConaughey). In an era when male stars are preened to be hot, Fillion is full-on handsome, a masculine throwback to an older era. Plus he’s so damn affable I don’t know what to do. He’s a talented dramatic actor — dude freaking gouges someone’s eye out in a guest arc on the final season of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” — but it’s his comedy chops that really sell him, whether it’s the splatter humor of Slither or the quirky charms of Waitress. He’s a man’s man, you know? Classy, casual, and totally put together. — Dan Carlson
5. Clive Owen: Hey there, Super Tiger Sex Commando. You’re looking fit with your creased, shadowy face, your lean, rangy form, your laconic, melancholy voice with its silky-gruff single malt finish. You paid your television actor dues for years before firmly entering the soft, sensual ground of our cinematic consciousness, lithely slipping out of the dark water and under the covers like some brusquely gentle British love ninja who finally bested James Bond. Caked in grime, a little smoke-blackened from saving mankind or pulling a huge bank heist, you’ve gone toe to toe with Denzel Washington, Michael Caine and Paul Giamatti, burned your image into our memories, and become the most enduring dark knight of our gritty fever dreams. The hard-to-earn but big-payoff smile is just a bonus we get once per picture. Now that you’ve earned the top spot on the “If I Had To …” list, bring me a glass of whisky, turn up The Trinity Sessions, and help me out of these wet clothes. Ted Boynton
3. Robert Downey, Jr.: Let’s not kid ourselves people. Robert Downey, Jr. isn’t just on this list because, at least until three months ago, he was the most unappreciated actor of his generation. It’s not just because he can do drama, comedy, superhero or the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude without breaking a sweat. Nor is it because Robert Downey, Jr. managed to bring a C-level superhero to A-level status. Let’s be honest with ourselves — the reason he’s here is because you want him to say dirty, nasty, pleasant things to you before tearing off your clothes with his teeth and fucking you on a stairwell in a dark alley in the middle of the day. You want him to pull out his arsenal of kink and then mingle his nicotine scent with your glistening sweat as he has his naughty naughty way with you on a kitchen table. And you want it over. and over. and over again. Until he breaks you. Until you can’t feel your legs. Until you’ve lost your voice from all the moaning. And then you want it again.
Plus, he’s been nominated for an Oscar! — Dustin Rowles
1. Christian Bale: MMMmmmMMMM mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMM mmmmmmmmm, Bale.
(Wait, what? I have to write a whole paragraph?)
Fine. Here’s why Christian Bale is the shit. He’s the only object of my and many other ladies my age totally tame, early teen day dreams (Swing Kids! Newsies!) who’s grown up with us (Little Women, Velvet Goldmine) and still remains in our all kindsa dirty, adult fantasies (American Psycho, Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb BAT MAN).
He’s relatively non existent in the tabloid culture. He’s wicked talented. And he’s fucking hot. So, like I said…
MMMmmm MMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm MMMMM mmmmmmmmm, Bale. Beckyloo Who